Category: Satire

Alba Works Tirelessly to Save Oklahoma’s Shark Population

Once again, a Hollywood “ecophile”, this one being Jessica Alba, has raised awareness of another injustice perpetrated against the animal kingdom: The rampant and unconscionable killing of sharks in Oklahoma. Seriously. You can’t make this *&#^ up.

Hoping to raise public awareness about the plight of Oklahoma’s sharks, Alba plastered shark posters around Oklahoma City. This action was met with mixed reviews by Oklahoma residents.

According to Oklahoma City Chief of Police, William City, “We have been trying for years to shut down the underground shark-fighting ring in this area, but until Ms. Alba raised awareness of the problem, we had gotten nowhere. Blowing the cover off this scandal makes the Michael Vick bust look like small potatoes.” (This was followed by a rather obvious eye roll.)

When asked about the charges against Alba for defacing public property, the chief replied, “Well, a little public defacement is a pretty small price to pay for the lives of Oklahoma’s shark population, don’t you think? As for that United Way sign, heck, they can always replace the billboard, but a shark’s life? Well, that can’t be replaced.”

Many Oklahomans are offended by Alba’s vandalism disguised as activism. “She’s just another Hollywood wing-nut trying to jam another stupid cause down our throats,” said one resident.

A local grocer added, “Shark advocacy? In Oklahoma? Does she even know her geography?”

And this from the man who has been tasked with scraping, not one, but three posters off a utility box in Bricktown, “What are the odds that that shark-loving mental giant will help scrape the posters off this utility box?”

But Alba has had support for her actions. The PETA representative for central Oklahoma commented, “Um, I wasn’t aware we had a shark abuse problem around here, but I’m not surprised.”

And Alba’s co-workers are standing by her as well. “I, for one, applaud her courage and tenacity. We need more people like Jessica to speak up for those who can’t speak up for themselves. These dumb Okies need to be held accountable for their part in the torture of sharks.”

Alba has apologized for her actions, a move that has reportedly left her in bad standing with shark advocates world wide.

“Its hard to balance my responsibilities to my fans, the animals we share this planet with, and the citizens of this global village. I am truly sorry I offended the people of Oklahoma.”

Alba’s agent has stated that the negative press in Oklahoma has forced her to cancel her Alligator Awareness rally in Omaha, Nebraska.

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How To Spot a Terrorist Threat: A Liberal Primer

Napolitano and Obama demonstrating how to turn your neighbor in to Homeland Security. “We believe in total anonymity. Just point to your pro-life neighbor or the retired veteran in the grocery store and we’ll take care of the rest.”

For anyone who might be a little fuzzy on Janet Napolitano’s inter-office memo about the dangers of living next door to a military veteran, a pro-lifer, or anyone who actually views the Constitution as something more than a waste of a perfectly good tree, I offer these snippets from the book, A Liberal’s Guide To Terrorism: Can You Spot a True Threat To America?

#1 Any former member of the military who has served this country and kept Americans safe from harm, foreign and domestic: Threat

Homeland Security Action Plan: Full body cavity search of any veteran (real or imagined) before boarding an airplane. Monitor all VA loans to be sure they aren’t living too large. Limit veteran to one bag of fertilizer per year. Make them pay for their own medical care. Wire tap all American Legion and USO facilities. Direct Hollywood to make more movies depicting war vets as misguided losers who hate America (Contact Sean Penn). President Obama to make frequent visits around the world repenting of the existence of an American Military.

#2 People from other countries who have flown airplanes into the buildings of major American cities and killing thousands: Not a Threat.

These people are our friends; besides, we deserved it. They will be allowed, kufis, hajibs and all, to board any aircraft free from the fear of being unfairly profiled or cavity searched. Approximately $20 million in stimulus money allotted to resume flight classes in Norman, Oklahoma starting in 2010. $5 million in stimulus money for iPods, prayer rugs, and weekend passes for detainees in Guantanamo Bay. President Obama to make frequent visits to said countries for the purpose of repenting the existence of an infidel America.

#3 People from our own country who have bombed government buildings and called themselves “The Weatherman”: Not a Threat.

Dissent is patriotic for socialist sympathizers. President Obama to make frequent visits to said person’s home and deny the existence of a friendship.

#4 People who fight for the rights of unborn human beings. Threat.

Homeland Security Action Plan: Using Pelosi’s Economic Abortion Stimulus Plan, the government will extol the virtues of having only .5 children, raise taxes on married people with more than .5 children, and jail doctors who refuse to work toward the United State’s new goal birth rate of .5 children per year. Bankrupt Nestle Corporation (owner of Gerber foods), bail them out, change baby food jar label from healthy, chubby-cheeked little tyke to picture of malnourished third-world baby. New slogan for Gerber: “Fewer American Babies For a Better World”.

#5 People who legislate and/or perform the wholesale slaughter of millions of unborn humans: Not a Threat.

Less people make for a smaller carbon footprint. It’s about plants, stupid, not people.

#6 People who claim the right to bear arms: Threat.

Homeland Security Action Plan: Ban gun ownership. This to include: semi-automatics, hand guns, shot guns, paintball guns, air soft guns, water guns, glue guns, and those highly dangerous guns for children with the bright orange plug on the end of the barrel. Tax Ted Nugent out of the country. Report all cars brandishing an NRA bumper sticker to the Homeland Security hot line. President Obama to make frequent trips to Mexico to blame America for the violence in Mexico, and, of course, repent of America’s very existence.

#7 People who refer to our government as “The Collective” and call one another “Comrade”: Not a Threat.

It’s high time the proper verbiage was used around this country.

Another Obama Teleprompter Faux Pas?

Taking a break from his late night comedy show tour and filling out his March Madness brackets, President Obama managed to squeeze in yet another press conference with, yet, another teleprompter faux pas. This one will cost him.

He said, “We have a clear and focused goal to disrupt, dismantle and defeat Al Qaeda in Pakistan and Afghanistan, and to prevent their return to either country in the future”

While that might sound good to some Americans, (namely, the sheeple who actually believe what this tyrant says) it was not what he was supposed to say.

This is what was actually on the teleprompter, “We have a clear and focused goal to disrupt, dismantle, and defeat capitalism and individual liberty in America and to prevent their return to any citizen in the future.”

In an interview with Greta Van Susteren at FOX News, Hillary had this to say in Obama’s defense:

“He was just making a joke. He has such a great sense of humor. We all know he doesn’t have the sack to really take on Al Qaeda. Do you think he got where he is today by pissing them off? We all get such a big kick out of his sense of humor. We’re all rolling in the aisles up at the White House.”

When asked by Susteren if the unread quote from the teleprompter should be made public (while the words scrolled across the ticker at the bottom of the screen), Hillary replied, “I don’t really see that we need to make the words on the teleprompter public. I mean, just look around at what President Obama has managed to do in less than 80 days. The words on the teleprompter would only state what is obvious to all Americans. Change is coming. Change is here. Capitalism has failed, and the average American simply cannot navigate these rough economic waters without the strong arm of government.

You know, maybe the president felt that he didn’t need to state the obvious to the American people. I’m just disappointed that our friends in North Korea didn’t get to hear him say those words.”

To which Greta replied, “Hey, if anyone from North Korea is watching, you can read the words on the ticker on the bottom of the screen. They’ll also be posted at FOXNews.com.”

Obama Bails Out of Democrat Party: Supporters Stunned

“To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history.”

-Obama Inaugural Address

There is only one way to explain these words from Obama: A miracle has taken place. For the first time in history, an incoming president switches parties on his Inauguration Day. Democrats and Republicans alike are stunned.

Senator Tom Coburn told reporters, “Well, it does come as quite a shock. Um, honestly, we aren’t sure what to do with him. We don’t know if his policies are the same or…I mean, we really wanted him to succeed.”

“I’m not surprised,” quipped Harry Reid to the New York Times, “He presented himself well, but given his roots, it just isn’t surprising.”

Insiders are speculating that Obama’s warning to those who “cling to power through corruption and deceit” is aimed at the likes of Christopher Dodd, Barney Frank, Bill Richardson, Timothy Geithner, and Bill and Hillary Clinton.

While no one really knows for sure who President Obama is targeting, it has been reported that Office Depot has had a sharp increase in the sales of paper shredding machines.

When asked what she thought Obama meant when he warned against the “silencing of dissent”, Nancy Pelosi replied, “Shut up!”

Obama’s switching of parties has been blamed for the cancellation of many inaugural parties around the country. In West Hollywood, however, the festivities were still on, but the mood was more somber than expected. “This just isn’t the kind of change we voted for,” sniffed a sad, but fairly drunk Obama supporter.

And how is Obama’s biggest fan base, the Hollywood elite, taking the news?

“I’m angry and very disappointed. I really had high hopes for President Obama. I really believed that he would put an end to those mean-spirited *&%#)@ conservatives and their hate speech. This is all Bush’s fault,” said Whoopi Goldberg.

After stopping his plans to close Gitmo, Obama is rumored to be planning a sweep of the major media outlets. According to press secretary Gibbs, “He wants to ensure that the way McCain and Palin were treated by the media doesn’t happen again.”