Month: June 2009

Alba Works Tirelessly to Save Oklahoma’s Shark Population

Once again, a Hollywood “ecophile”, this one being Jessica Alba, has raised awareness of another injustice perpetrated against the animal kingdom: The rampant and unconscionable killing of sharks in Oklahoma. Seriously. You can’t make this *&#^ up.

Hoping to raise public awareness about the plight of Oklahoma’s sharks, Alba plastered shark posters around Oklahoma City. This action was met with mixed reviews by Oklahoma residents.

According to Oklahoma City Chief of Police, William City, “We have been trying for years to shut down the underground shark-fighting ring in this area, but until Ms. Alba raised awareness of the problem, we had gotten nowhere. Blowing the cover off this scandal makes the Michael Vick bust look like small potatoes.” (This was followed by a rather obvious eye roll.)

When asked about the charges against Alba for defacing public property, the chief replied, “Well, a little public defacement is a pretty small price to pay for the lives of Oklahoma’s shark population, don’t you think? As for that United Way sign, heck, they can always replace the billboard, but a shark’s life? Well, that can’t be replaced.”

Many Oklahomans are offended by Alba’s vandalism disguised as activism. “She’s just another Hollywood wing-nut trying to jam another stupid cause down our throats,” said one resident.

A local grocer added, “Shark advocacy? In Oklahoma? Does she even know her geography?”

And this from the man who has been tasked with scraping, not one, but three posters off a utility box in Bricktown, “What are the odds that that shark-loving mental giant will help scrape the posters off this utility box?”

But Alba has had support for her actions. The PETA representative for central Oklahoma commented, “Um, I wasn’t aware we had a shark abuse problem around here, but I’m not surprised.”

And Alba’s co-workers are standing by her as well. “I, for one, applaud her courage and tenacity. We need more people like Jessica to speak up for those who can’t speak up for themselves. These dumb Okies need to be held accountable for their part in the torture of sharks.”

Alba has apologized for her actions, a move that has reportedly left her in bad standing with shark advocates world wide.

“Its hard to balance my responsibilities to my fans, the animals we share this planet with, and the citizens of this global village. I am truly sorry I offended the people of Oklahoma.”

Alba’s agent has stated that the negative press in Oklahoma has forced her to cancel her Alligator Awareness rally in Omaha, Nebraska.